big, ugly bump in the road

Ok, change of plans.  We were just about to book tickets to fly out this Saturday when we got a big blow.  Our case was forwarded to the USCIS headquarters in Nairobi yesterday for further review.  This ins't uncommon for ET adoptions, but it came out of left field for us.  Everyone involved with our case was shocked.  There is no rhyme or reason to this hot mess.  We. Were. Devastated.  After a lot of researching and phone calls and emails we learned that a ton of cases were sent along with ours.  And it all comes down to dirty politics, legal red tape and crappy, irresponsible decisions.  Very hard to swallow when it's orphans lives on the line here.  I don't even want to say what this means time-wise because that could change in a minute, but for those of you who've asked, we're looking weeks and weeks, maybe months.  Who knows.

Anyways, we are picking ourselves up, wiping our tears and taking action where we can and praying our hearts out.  I've been reminded that this journey is not about us, or her, but about HIM and he will do what it takes to bring himself the glory...we are just along for the ride, as hard as it is at times.  I've also been trying to think of all of the positives that can come out of this.  So thankful for a business savvy husband who can think quickly and take action.  He's been in contact with just about everybody but Obama himself.  Thankful even more for supportive friends and family who have walked before us or are in the middle of this with us.  We could NOT do this without them!  (Especially when they show up at your door with flowers and tell you to go lock yourself in your room and cry while they babysit your kids and do your dishes).

This too shall pass.

about to pop!

we are SO CLOSE.  So close to bringing Yohana home, welcoming her into her forever family.  So close my heart could literally pop!  We are hoping to hear any day now, and when we do, we will hop on the first plane over.  A friend of mine joked that it's like I'm dilated to a 3 or 4, so true!

I have been taking advantage of the past few weeks, cooking like crazy and freezing meals, buying diapers and baby food and getting everything ready to pack her bag.  But most of all, I've been cuddling lots with my baby that is about to seem very much like a big boy, no longer will this little munchkin be the baby of the family.  So I've been soaking up my time with him.  It's been sweet.

Stay tuned...

2012!

Gonna be a life-changing year, gonna be a great month! Yohana's case was submitted to the US Embassy last week so we are looking to go over in the next few weeks to get our sweet pea and bring her home!  Just waiting on the details to pan out before we make our final plans...but it's going to be SOON!  

I have uploaded some pictures of our 1st trip for anyone who wants to look through them.  I tried to keep these non-adoption-realated because we really had so much fun while we were in Ethiopia and experienced so much.  After a few days of being there, Kirk and I both felt comfortable enough to let down our guard and just go with the flow.  We started to ask our driver to take us places and do things that weren't on the recommend itinerary.  We were quite adventurous to say the least. So thankful we did not get sick the whole trip and had some wonderful experiences, I know that's not always the case.  We truly felt like we went from being "ferenge" to "habesha" in 10 short days! (foreigners to natives).  I think Yohana will be proud of all that we saw and did and tried, we have so much to tell her one day.  We can hardly WAIT to get back and be with our daughter.

My heart is heavy tonight.  Thoughts of Ethiopia have been flooding my mind all day.  Our sweet pea, dear friends, the village of Korah, the flowers, the noisy traffic, the people on the streets, the smell of diesel, the macchiatos.  I miss it.  With an aching heart I miss it.  The past 2 weeks being back home have been hard.  We landed right smack dab in the middle of Christmas season.  Everyone seems to be going a million miles an hour in every which direction.  I can't seem to catch up or keep up.  I don't want to.

My mind keeps going back to this little boy...

who I gave a package of cookies to and he just giggled and smiled and waved.

Or this man...

working so faithfully at the leprosy alert hospital, using his skill to the best of his ability, which is pretty darn amazing!  His eyes will forever haunt me.

And these precious boys at Kolfe orphanage...

doing what boys do, finding moments of joy despite their circumstances.

And beautiful kids on the street..

who laughed at me when I started singing to them because they didn't understand English but they knew the ABC song. 

Such good memories. The thing that surprised me about our trip was how much we laughed.  Maybe it was a coping mechanism, maybe I'm just not around my witty husband enough, he has a way of making everyone around him laugh.  But we laughed and laughed, more than we cried.  It was refreshing.  Especially considering the circumstances.  While we were there I had many moments of struggling with the purpose of us being there to begin with.  Adoption.  There are over 5 million orphans in Ethiopia, that's the size of Addis Ababa, the capital. And in the midst of poverty, disease and famine, there are glimpses of hope and perseverance.  Seeing these signs hit me hard...

I didn't and don't question what we are doing, or rather, what God is doing through us.  Don't get me wrong.   But during and since our trip, my heart has been grieving for what might have been, what should have been.  I believe with all my heart that in a perfect world a child should be with their biological mother and father.  But we live in an imperfect world, and our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil.  That's the case all too often, and injustice and brokenness awaken bitterness and confusion.  I knew this.  But my eyes were opened while in Ethiopia.  There are things we saw and learned that were HARD and INJUST and PAINFUL.  And I questioned and cried out the "why's?" and "what if's?" for a precious baby girl that I have loved and prayed for from before she ever came into this world.  There are questions I will never have answered this side of heaven.  And it's ok.  Our adoption story and Yohana's life are precious, tiny pieces of the bigger picture, the Kingdom picture.  God is just and His mercy reigns.  

The morning of our court appointment, I sat in the back seat of Solomon's van, put on my headphones and started my ipod as I soaked in the sights of the busy city streets.  The song that came on spoke to me like God speaking to me himself.  (Brooke Fraser's Desert Song.)  I replayed it all the way to the courthouse.  As I listened to it over and over, I prayed the lyrics for Yohana's life, for our family, and for the people of Ethiopia, a country and it's people that have forever changed me and I am now connected to for life.   As we said our goodbye's to Yohana on our last visit, I found an index card of a verse that I had tucked into her photo book.  There were some stickers on the wall by her crib, so I stuck it under a sticker to hang on the wall near her.  It's a common prayer, but a good one...

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." jeremiah 29: 11,13.

All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Robbins, party of six!

  It's official, we're now a family of 6!!  Introducing Yohana Noelle Robbins.  She turned 9 months while we were in Ethiopia visiting her.  She has a calm, endearing, lovable personality...she wants to be held all the time and just melts in your arms.  Leaving was hard, but she's in good care.  Now to hit the ground running in preparing to bring her home, hoping it's around the New Year!! 

                                      

"for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know tat full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16.

here we go!

Can't believe this is really happening.  It was 2 years ago this week we sent in our initial paperwork and had our orientation call with our adoption agency, and now, we're on our way to Ethiopia in 2 days to meet our little one.

It's been a little crazy getting everything ready and organized to go on this end, I'm actually really anxious to have some down time on the long flights to just process and prepare emotionally (and hopefully sleep).  I have never in my life been more nervous/anxious/excited/scared about a trip before.

Our family and friends have been so good to us.  Our parents are each making the long drive out to take care of the kids for a week each.  That in itself is huge and we are forever grateful that we can leave with peace of mind that our children are so well cared for and loved.  And our friends, where do I even begin?  Our sweet community group surprised us tonight with a special Thanksgiving dinner since we will be gone over the holiday.  And then they showered us with prayer and support and donations for humanitarian aid on top of all that.  The love and prayer we are receiving is truly carrying us through this journey.  I pray we can pay the many favors forward in the future.  It's amazing how a community of like-minded and like-hearted believers respond to adoption, each willing and eager to participate in their own way.  We are truly amazed and humbled.

And so, here we go...with full bellies, full suitcases and full hearts.  I have a feeling we're gonna need every bit of it for the life-changing step we're about to embark on.  I can only imagine how stark the contrast will be from the way we're leaving.  We covet your prayers every step of the way.

be still my beating heart

wow. we blinked and just like that, October is a mere memory!  I've been horrible with keeping up with the blog, but here are a few pictures I put together of our festive month.  Why oh why, do these kids have to grow so fast?!?! I hate it!

We leave for Ethiopia in just 2 weeks!  Every single picture, video and update I get of this precious little one makes me fall more and more in love with her.  I've been trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself, but really, how can you?  We will be in Ethiopia for 10 days and I want to just soak up every. single. moment. 

someone can't sleep!!!

that would be me.  because it's my birthday, and I feel like a giddy kid on her special day all over again because the surprises just keep. on. coming.

I woke up feeling that it would be a pretty average "adult birthday"... you know, exciting, but c'mon, not as exciting as the birthday's of the past, when you're younger, kidless and the whole world revolves around you on your special day.
but today was different, much different...and special in ways that I never saw coming.  and not just because I started it with a donut and coffee and ended it with a cupcake and coffee.  (yes, you read that right: donut-coffee-cupcake-coffee). oh, let me fill you in on the in-between!

Hubby's out of town in San Francisco all week so I was mentally upping the mommy mode.  Got everyone out the door on time, dropped G off at school, headed to spin class at the gym (which I almost talked myself out of, but really wanted that donut, so thought i MUST go burn it off), so treated myself and boys to Starbucks and donuts.  B had been asking where I was going to have my birthday party and I had told him Starbucks, so as we sat in the long drive-thru line he asked if all the cars in line were there for my party (sweet boy).  after the gym, we ran usual errands then back home for a few hours of playing outside in the sunshine and nap time.  About noon I received these lovely things from Kirk.

then i spent time opening cards from family and talking to friends on the phone.  at 2:21p.m. a number popped up that i quickly glanced at, i almost didn't answer it, i thought the area code said 816, which is the boys' treatment center in Kansas City.  They call frequently for various reasons and i had just talked with their nurse the day before about some lab results so i immediately thought it was her again, needing info.  but since the boys were resting and i had time, i answered it.  the voice on the other end was NOT the monotone, granny nurse from KC.  it was a perky, young caseworker from Fort Worth, TX saying she had some good news for me!  I had misread the area code, as i often do.  Ft. Worth's area code is 817, so I've misread this numerous times before only to get my hopes up and then they come crashing down.  But not today!  Before she ever even told me the good news i was so shocked that i immediately started crying tears of joy and said "you've got to be kidding, it's my birthday!!"  she responded with a genuine laugh and said "well it's mine too! what a great day! i have a court date for you!"  and the rest of the conversation i can barely recollect.  except that blessed day, November 21.  we have to be over in Ethiopia the week before and will meet our sweet pea face to face, cheek to cheek and heart to heart on FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18!!!

the rest of the afternoon was a blur, i vaguely remember greeting G at the bus stop and taking her to gymnastics, while barely putting down my phone.  then i had promised the kids chick fil a for dinner (and again, B was wondering when all my friends were going to show up for my birthday party).  in the midst of the chaotic day, we made it home and kids got in bed.  after checking my emails I had looked over one of the many received from the caseworker and one was our monthly update of sweet pea! (our agency sends us monthly updates with baby's measurements, sleeping and eating patterns, milestones and pictures!)  And i think we got the best picture of her yet, she was sitting up on a blanket on the floor, playing and smiling from ear to ear!  it was the sweetest icing on my birthday cake....ever.

after skyping with my mom and dad, i was about to come undone from the emotional and joyful day when my dear friend came to the door with a carafe of coffee and a box of cupcakes to celebrate with me.  RICK'S cupcakes.  :)  yep, she's a true friend.

what a day!  i am still just soaking it all in.  i am so very blessed beyond words.  my dearest friend made the tears flow all over again when she texted me "oh praise the Lord, Becca.  That is how much He loves you!!" and it's so true and so sweet...His love for us. and I feel it 10,000 times over today.