My heart is heavy tonight.  Thoughts of Ethiopia have been flooding my mind all day.  Our sweet pea, dear friends, the village of Korah, the flowers, the noisy traffic, the people on the streets, the smell of diesel, the macchiatos.  I miss it.  With an aching heart I miss it.  The past 2 weeks being back home have been hard.  We landed right smack dab in the middle of Christmas season.  Everyone seems to be going a million miles an hour in every which direction.  I can't seem to catch up or keep up.  I don't want to.

My mind keeps going back to this little boy...

who I gave a package of cookies to and he just giggled and smiled and waved.

Or this man...

working so faithfully at the leprosy alert hospital, using his skill to the best of his ability, which is pretty darn amazing!  His eyes will forever haunt me.

And these precious boys at Kolfe orphanage...

doing what boys do, finding moments of joy despite their circumstances.

And beautiful kids on the street..

who laughed at me when I started singing to them because they didn't understand English but they knew the ABC song. 

Such good memories. The thing that surprised me about our trip was how much we laughed.  Maybe it was a coping mechanism, maybe I'm just not around my witty husband enough, he has a way of making everyone around him laugh.  But we laughed and laughed, more than we cried.  It was refreshing.  Especially considering the circumstances.  While we were there I had many moments of struggling with the purpose of us being there to begin with.  Adoption.  There are over 5 million orphans in Ethiopia, that's the size of Addis Ababa, the capital. And in the midst of poverty, disease and famine, there are glimpses of hope and perseverance.  Seeing these signs hit me hard...

I didn't and don't question what we are doing, or rather, what God is doing through us.  Don't get me wrong.   But during and since our trip, my heart has been grieving for what might have been, what should have been.  I believe with all my heart that in a perfect world a child should be with their biological mother and father.  But we live in an imperfect world, and our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil.  That's the case all too often, and injustice and brokenness awaken bitterness and confusion.  I knew this.  But my eyes were opened while in Ethiopia.  There are things we saw and learned that were HARD and INJUST and PAINFUL.  And I questioned and cried out the "why's?" and "what if's?" for a precious baby girl that I have loved and prayed for from before she ever came into this world.  There are questions I will never have answered this side of heaven.  And it's ok.  Our adoption story and Yohana's life are precious, tiny pieces of the bigger picture, the Kingdom picture.  God is just and His mercy reigns.  

The morning of our court appointment, I sat in the back seat of Solomon's van, put on my headphones and started my ipod as I soaked in the sights of the busy city streets.  The song that came on spoke to me like God speaking to me himself.  (Brooke Fraser's Desert Song.)  I replayed it all the way to the courthouse.  As I listened to it over and over, I prayed the lyrics for Yohana's life, for our family, and for the people of Ethiopia, a country and it's people that have forever changed me and I am now connected to for life.   As we said our goodbye's to Yohana on our last visit, I found an index card of a verse that I had tucked into her photo book.  There were some stickers on the wall by her crib, so I stuck it under a sticker to hang on the wall near her.  It's a common prayer, but a good one...

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." jeremiah 29: 11,13.

All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Robbins, party of six!

  It's official, we're now a family of 6!!  Introducing Yohana Noelle Robbins.  She turned 9 months while we were in Ethiopia visiting her.  She has a calm, endearing, lovable personality...she wants to be held all the time and just melts in your arms.  Leaving was hard, but she's in good care.  Now to hit the ground running in preparing to bring her home, hoping it's around the New Year!! 

                                      

"for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know tat full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16.

here we go!

Can't believe this is really happening.  It was 2 years ago this week we sent in our initial paperwork and had our orientation call with our adoption agency, and now, we're on our way to Ethiopia in 2 days to meet our little one.

It's been a little crazy getting everything ready and organized to go on this end, I'm actually really anxious to have some down time on the long flights to just process and prepare emotionally (and hopefully sleep).  I have never in my life been more nervous/anxious/excited/scared about a trip before.

Our family and friends have been so good to us.  Our parents are each making the long drive out to take care of the kids for a week each.  That in itself is huge and we are forever grateful that we can leave with peace of mind that our children are so well cared for and loved.  And our friends, where do I even begin?  Our sweet community group surprised us tonight with a special Thanksgiving dinner since we will be gone over the holiday.  And then they showered us with prayer and support and donations for humanitarian aid on top of all that.  The love and prayer we are receiving is truly carrying us through this journey.  I pray we can pay the many favors forward in the future.  It's amazing how a community of like-minded and like-hearted believers respond to adoption, each willing and eager to participate in their own way.  We are truly amazed and humbled.

And so, here we go...with full bellies, full suitcases and full hearts.  I have a feeling we're gonna need every bit of it for the life-changing step we're about to embark on.  I can only imagine how stark the contrast will be from the way we're leaving.  We covet your prayers every step of the way.

be still my beating heart

wow. we blinked and just like that, October is a mere memory!  I've been horrible with keeping up with the blog, but here are a few pictures I put together of our festive month.  Why oh why, do these kids have to grow so fast?!?! I hate it!

We leave for Ethiopia in just 2 weeks!  Every single picture, video and update I get of this precious little one makes me fall more and more in love with her.  I've been trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself, but really, how can you?  We will be in Ethiopia for 10 days and I want to just soak up every. single. moment. 

someone can't sleep!!!

that would be me.  because it's my birthday, and I feel like a giddy kid on her special day all over again because the surprises just keep. on. coming.

I woke up feeling that it would be a pretty average "adult birthday"... you know, exciting, but c'mon, not as exciting as the birthday's of the past, when you're younger, kidless and the whole world revolves around you on your special day.
but today was different, much different...and special in ways that I never saw coming.  and not just because I started it with a donut and coffee and ended it with a cupcake and coffee.  (yes, you read that right: donut-coffee-cupcake-coffee). oh, let me fill you in on the in-between!

Hubby's out of town in San Francisco all week so I was mentally upping the mommy mode.  Got everyone out the door on time, dropped G off at school, headed to spin class at the gym (which I almost talked myself out of, but really wanted that donut, so thought i MUST go burn it off), so treated myself and boys to Starbucks and donuts.  B had been asking where I was going to have my birthday party and I had told him Starbucks, so as we sat in the long drive-thru line he asked if all the cars in line were there for my party (sweet boy).  after the gym, we ran usual errands then back home for a few hours of playing outside in the sunshine and nap time.  About noon I received these lovely things from Kirk.

then i spent time opening cards from family and talking to friends on the phone.  at 2:21p.m. a number popped up that i quickly glanced at, i almost didn't answer it, i thought the area code said 816, which is the boys' treatment center in Kansas City.  They call frequently for various reasons and i had just talked with their nurse the day before about some lab results so i immediately thought it was her again, needing info.  but since the boys were resting and i had time, i answered it.  the voice on the other end was NOT the monotone, granny nurse from KC.  it was a perky, young caseworker from Fort Worth, TX saying she had some good news for me!  I had misread the area code, as i often do.  Ft. Worth's area code is 817, so I've misread this numerous times before only to get my hopes up and then they come crashing down.  But not today!  Before she ever even told me the good news i was so shocked that i immediately started crying tears of joy and said "you've got to be kidding, it's my birthday!!"  she responded with a genuine laugh and said "well it's mine too! what a great day! i have a court date for you!"  and the rest of the conversation i can barely recollect.  except that blessed day, November 21.  we have to be over in Ethiopia the week before and will meet our sweet pea face to face, cheek to cheek and heart to heart on FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18!!!

the rest of the afternoon was a blur, i vaguely remember greeting G at the bus stop and taking her to gymnastics, while barely putting down my phone.  then i had promised the kids chick fil a for dinner (and again, B was wondering when all my friends were going to show up for my birthday party).  in the midst of the chaotic day, we made it home and kids got in bed.  after checking my emails I had looked over one of the many received from the caseworker and one was our monthly update of sweet pea! (our agency sends us monthly updates with baby's measurements, sleeping and eating patterns, milestones and pictures!)  And i think we got the best picture of her yet, she was sitting up on a blanket on the floor, playing and smiling from ear to ear!  it was the sweetest icing on my birthday cake....ever.

after skyping with my mom and dad, i was about to come undone from the emotional and joyful day when my dear friend came to the door with a carafe of coffee and a box of cupcakes to celebrate with me.  RICK'S cupcakes.  :)  yep, she's a true friend.

what a day!  i am still just soaking it all in.  i am so very blessed beyond words.  my dearest friend made the tears flow all over again when she texted me "oh praise the Lord, Becca.  That is how much He loves you!!" and it's so true and so sweet...His love for us. and I feel it 10,000 times over today.

a farewell to summer

booooo. where did the season go?  I woke up yesterday and it was Fall.  Grace is in 1st grade, my baby is in a big boy bed and life continues at the pace of a sprinting jaguar.

Wow, how I've been a lousy blogger over the past few months.  Very few updates, fewer pictures.  But our house is full, and our days are busy.  Blogging just hasn't been a priority, and truth be told, most of my free time on the computer is spent on my newest addiction, pinterest.  :)

Throughout the summer I had in mind all of these great post ideas and just never got around to them and now, my memory of yesterday is a blur,  but we did have a wonderful and fun-filled summer.  Here is the highlighted/short version:
JUNE: We got a dog, yes, we did!  Meet Margot Butch Robbins. She's a rescue dog that we got from Joplin shortly after the tornado. She's a sweetie and the kids are loving her. Kirk and I got to get away for a few nights ALONE since who knows when, it was heaven.

JULY: Grace went to San Francisco for a week with my parents and my niece. Still can't believe she is old enough to travel without us, they had a blast and she made so many good memories.  The boys and I spent 7 days trotting around New Mexico visiting a lot of friends and a lot of family. Our time there was wonderful, the road trip to and from, however, was pretty awful.  (I forgot my camera so don't have really good pics of that week.)  And drum roll please....Kirk finished school...hopefully forever.

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER: I got to go to Dallas for a weekend of fun with a friend and experienced my first ever visit to IKEA!  pure. happiness.  Grace started 1st grade.  Kirk got to visit some of our dearest friends from college on a quick trip to Madison.  We also switched all the kids' rooms in the house to make room for baby, it's been a messy adjustment but we're getting there, slowly.

So, there's summer 2011 in a nutshell, now welcome Fall.  Hopefully I won't be much of a stranger.

a special gift

Our good friends Scott and Mollie were in Ethiopia for their first trip last week.  Their son is just a few months older than our daughter and they have shared time in the same care center.  While they were there, they gave us the best gift ever, a visit to Sweet Pea.  They got to hold her, snuggle her, pray over her and take pictures.  Mollie captured her smile for me for the first time.  She assured me that her Special Mama's (caretakers) love her to pieces and she is being taken care of so well.  She was able to tell me details, like only a mom can.  In her words, she looks like an "Ethiopian Robbins!" It was a priceless gift and we are so very thankful for the love our dear friends were able to pass on to Sweet Pea.  Thank you Page's.  What a small world we live in, what a big God we serve.

Mollie snuggling Sweet Pea, see her cute little fingers?!?

sweet pea's "birth" story

ok, I know this might be a boring post to many so please feel free to skip.  I even debated whether or not to post this, but we're doing it for HER.  We want to remember these details so we can tell her one day.  Then again, don't most mama's like to retell their birth stories?  That's kind of what we consider this to be, a very climactic point in our adoption journey.

Becca's version:
As with any natural birth, a mom always has it in her head the way she dreams the event playing out, and it almost NEVER happens that way.  This was no different!  Kirk was at home in Arkansas, me and the boys were in Ruidoso, NM visiting my in-laws, and Grace was in San Francisco with my parents.  It was Friday afternoon and after a morning full of shopping with the boys and Nonnie, I was laying down for a nap, by myself, a rare occasion.  Our caseworker tried to get a hold of me first, then Kirk.  We ended up getting on a 3 way conference call 20 minutes later.  As I sat in front of the computer and opened up the email to see those first pictures, I remember laughing first because she was so cute, and then crying as our caseworker began to tell us her story.  It was such an emotional phone call, so many details, documents and pictures to pour over.  I think I only retained about 10% of all the information at the time, I couldn't stop scrolling through the pictures.  It was raining and thundering outside and I began to feel lonely, lonely that we weren't all together for this special call, yes, but more lonely for this sweet baby that I was meeting for the first time through pictures, half way around the world, who's mama wanted to pick her up and hold her so tight and tell her everything was ok and how much she was loved....oh, how she was loved! To me, she was absolutely perfect and beyond beautiful.  Her name, we LOVE.  We are keeping it just as it is and calling her that.  Her eyes, SO BIG and brown, in fact, every other person we've showed pictures to comments on how they look like Ben's eyes.  Her complexion is so pure and smooth, and her hair, oh her hair!  Much more than I expected, big soft curls in some pictures and 4 little pig tails all over in others.  I haven't gone a day since the call not pouring over her pictures.  Memorizing every little detail.  Now we have a face, and a name, and she fits with us perfectly!  We are overjoyed and SO SO grateful for this little one.

Kirk's version: If you are looking for the ideal referral call story you aren’t going to find it here.  My family is out of town in New Mexico visiting family, and believe it or not we actually prayed that the referral not take place during this week (I know selfish/awful).  Well in God’s perfect timing, the referral did take place this week, and it was awesome. 

The call came to my cell phone at around 2:30pm on Friday July 22^nd.  We have summer hours at my office and I was trying to get out of work at a decent hour so I could study for my final.  Right before I was about to leave, I got pulled into a last minute meeting (conference call).  I was on the phone when the 817 area code popped up on my cell phone.  I gasped.  The person on the other end of the phone asked what was wrong with me.  I didn’t know what to say because I was on the phone with a customer and it was an important phone call.  I needed to be on the work call so I didn’t have to work all weekend.  So what did I do?  I pressed the mute button on my work phone, while the person on the other end of the phone continued to talk to me.  I then answered my cell phone and it was our case worker with our referral.  At this point I had 2 people talking to me in both ears.

The case worker had tried to get a hold of Becca but she was taking a nap and didn’t get to her phone.  Becca was at my folk’s house and I finally got my parents to wake her up.  I told the case worker to call Becca, and then to call me back in 20 minutes.  Well, I got a call back in 5 minutes and I had to tell them I needed more time to wrap up my meeting.  I know this sounds awful, but I wanted to finish my work so it wasn’t hanging over me all weekend.  I told the customer my predicament and I was finally able to finish my meeting.

Finally, Becca and I got on a conference call and then received the emails with the pictures and the story of our daughter.  I was nervous about this moment.  I saw the attachments and I was so anxious to open them.  What would she look like?  Would I care?  I finally opened the pictures, and all I can tell you is that she looks like a ROBBINS!  The Lord picked out the perfect child for us!  She is a beautiful 5-month old little girl.  Ever since I saw this little girl, those beautiful brown eyes of hers haven’t been able to leave my head.