Difficult conversations

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the floor, tying my shoes, getting ready for the day.  Ben walked in, drooping shoulders and a pouty face and curled up on my lap.  “What’s wrong buddy?”  I asked.  “Mom, I don’t want to have my bump anymore....I don’t want to get shots anymore” he exclaimed with frustration. (He calls his port his “bump”, and rightly so).

I embraced him tightly against my chest, a huge lump welling in my throat.  “I know buddy, I know.”  That was all I could say.  I wasn’t ready for this, even though I knew these frustrations would be surfacing in a matter of time.  It caught me off guard.  I proceeded to explain very simply that for now, that’s what the doctor has ordered, that he needs to have his infusions to keep him healthy and try to keep the bruises and pain away.  The explanation was sufficient for the time being and I distracted his attention and we went on about our day.  But our conversation has stuck with me for weeks.  My heart has been heavy.  It was a small reality check that as the years go by, the questions will get harder, as will the answers.  There will be days and seasons of the boys’ lives that they will question why they are different, why they have hemophilia and can’t do certain things others will be able to.  One day they’ll see pictures of their daddy on the football field, and just like they do now, they’ll want to follow in his footsteps.  And we’ll have to steer them in other directions.  The conversation reminded me of this time, when little Ben was just 9 months old and we were first starting out on his profylaxis (weekly treatments).  That first year was so difficult, it was a rough time, but we got through it and things got easier.  But I will always worry about the future...their future.  While the past few years have been physically challenging, I have an itch that as the boys grow and mature, the challenges will be emotional, which flat out scares me. I know I won’t always have the right answers or be able to communicate them in the way they need to hear them.  I want them to be proud and confident of who they are and how God made them.  I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin and view their hemophilia as a tool for God to use them in big ways.

While I know I seem to have it all together on the outside, inside I’m a mess.  I often feel incompetent and unsure of myself and my parenting decisions.  I’m constantly doubting if I’m making the best decisions for my children, answering their questions wisely and nurturing their little spirits in a Godly way.  But God has been faithful.  He’s given me the strength and ability to handle one day at a time, one child at a time, and I’m thankful and ever so grateful for His patience with me, His love and faithfulness.  I pray that He will continue to give me the tools I need as they grow and the discussions become harder and heavier. When it comes down to it, these children He’s entrusted me with are His, I’m just a vessel He’s chosen to help them along their way for a certain number of years.  And when I screw up as a parent, He's still got them. What a comfort, what an honor.

O Happy Day!

He did it!  WE did it!  It's almost over (still has summer school).  Yesterday marked Operation Graduation for Kirk.  It's been a loooong road, very hard at times, many LATE nights, but he is almost done.  It was such a celebration for our whole family.  Here are some pictures that captured the graduation festivities.

Graduation dinner with classmates

Rhett stayed home with a babysitter, but he still celebrated!

So proud of him!

I have to share this poem a friend wrote for us.  She gave it as a toast while we were celebrating and made us all laugh hysterically.  She is so funny and creative (and sympathetic and understanding)!

"A toast on this day that we celebrate Kirk

For his passion, determination, and all his hardwork...

The saying may be old, but we know it still stands...

Behind every successful man, is a hardworking woman.

So on this day, Becca, we also celebrate you

For earning your masters from Single Mom U.

While not as prestigious as the U of A

You've earned this degree in so many ways.

There were no papers to write, and no, you didn't sit in a lecture class,

But you've survived your single mom Saturdays and dealt with Kirk being a pain in the...

Ask anyone Kirk knows, and they'll all agree that it's true...

Congratulations to Kirk, but he couldn't have done it without you!"

In due time

Confessions of a Father – Waiting is HARD!

The adoptive families heard a couple weeks ago that there were referrals (child matches) ready to be handed out.  Up until this point I was able to compartmentalize our adoption during the waiting process.  Unfortunately, now I’m having a much more difficult time compartmentalizing our adoption.  I don’t expect our referral call until some other families ahead of us do, thus I stalk the Gladney FBI blogs on a consistent basis.  I know I’m pathetic, so “unmanly” of me. 

At this point I’m a less productive employee, husband, & father because of this process.  Moreover, at the end of the day it is a “ME” problem.  A lesson can be learned during this waiting time, & I’m totally not even trying to listen.  In fact, I've dug in my heals and refused to be taught any more lessons from my Father.  Father, please forgive me!

I pray that over the next couple days I completely focus on my Father and the sacrifice He made for me.  I pray that He forgives me for the emotions and feelings I've had lately in regards to the adoption.  I’ve made this about me and I’m sorry.  I pray that all the waiting families find rest in Him.

I love you Father!

laundry soap

ok, ok, this is for my mom and mother-in-law.  I have been promising to post this recipe for a long time, so here it is.  I NEVER thought I would break down and actually make my own laundry soap, very prideful I know, but I did.  And it's hard for me to admit it, but I love it.  It's uber cheap, smells good and it's fun to make.  So I really don't have any excuses for as much laundry as we do NOT to make it.  As far as the supplies for the homemade soap, I bought them once and have only had to buy more of the Fels Naptha and Kirk's Castille soap.  Since I've started making it last summer, I'd estimate I've spent about $16 total. (this justifies me buying my favorite, pricey fabric softner.)

Recipe:

1/2 bar of Fels Naptha soap, grated
1/2 bar of Kirk's Castile soap, grated

Put grated soap in a large pot with 8-12 cups of water.  Heat and sitr until dissolved.

Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full with hot water.  Add soap mixture from above, along with 1 cup of Borax and 1 cup of Arm & Hammer Washing Soda.
Stir until well dissolved and fill the remaining of the bucket with water, stirring again.

Place lid on the bucket and let it sit overnight.  The next day it will be a gel like consistency, stir again, breaking up the large gel lumps.  Have a clean 1 gallon bucket on hand and transfer about 1/2 gallon of the soap to the smaller container, filling the rest of the way with water.  I keep the 5 gallon bucket out in the garage and the smaller one by my washer.  Shake well before each use.

Use 1 cup per load for a regular washer
Use 1/2 cup per load in HE washers.

It is optional to add any essential oil to scent (10-15 drops per 5 gallons).

pausing, resting & learning

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3: 14-17

So much has been going on lately...in the world, in my community, with family and friends, and in my heart.  We thought we'd have our referral by now.  Due to some international circumstances in Ethiopia and with our agency, there has been a pause on international adoptions for the past few months.  While the waiting and unknowns have been difficult at times, overall the pause was a huge blessing in disguise for my soul.  (Things are now looking good and to be back on track).  But God's timing is ever so perfect and I can see now He had some unfinished work to do with me before moving on to the next step!  While I am usually guarded with what I share on here, take it for what it's worth if you're still reading, and thanks for the advanced mercy in my vulnerability.

Lately, things have settled down in our household.  We've got the boy's hemophilia and treatments under control, we have good routines, no major changes or obstacles have come up that shake our world.  Things have been pretty peaceful so to speak.  And with that peace, God has been speaking. (Or maybe it's that with stillness I tend to be a better listener.) I've had some very intentional and meaningful conversations with Him lately and a good look back at the past four years. While reflecting, a lot of emotions (good and bad) have bubbled up inside over the circumstances of the past few years.  It's like I've gotten to replay in slow motion all the stuff that's happened and critique it and really ask God what exactly He has been teaching me and just where to go from here with all of it.  Wow!  It's been bittersweet to say the least.  Some definite spiritual growing pains going on.

In short, I've momentarily taken off my "mom" hat and sat at the feet of my Father, just being His child, letting Him nurture my soul and calm my fears.  His throne has become a rocking chair where I've curled up on His lap and rested. He's shown me how He's been using my sons' free-flowing blood (literally) to shed a whole new light on the sacrifice of His Son's free-flowing blood.  The parallels give me goose-bumps. This learning and growing time has been hard, but sweet, and I think it was definitely some stuff I needed to deal with before baby comes home.

This is a quote from Beth Moore that I just read this week in a study I'm currently doing and also a song from DCB that I've been meditating on, it literally brings me to tears and chokes me up lately when I listen to it, the lyrics are precious and pierce deep.

"I challenge you to grasp this truth:  we will never be successful as parents to our children until we are successful at being children to our Heavenly Father."

Tasty Tuesday

well, almost. It'll be Tuesday in 2 hours.  This post is on JUICE!  One of my New Year's resolutions was to pull out the good ole' juicer and put it to use at least 3x/week.  Well, we've done pretty well so far.  Trying to squeeze (literally) those fruits and veggies in where we can!  The thing that's be such an inspiration to continue it and try to make juicing a regular habit around here is just how much the kids LOVE it!  Seriously, they love to help get out all the produce and then sit on the counter and take turns putting chunks in.  Especially the boys, they get so excited. 

Don't go thinking we're uber healthy and all organic, we're not, but we ARE TRYING to eat better and I can really tell a difference in my energy level after I've had a tall glass of pure fruits and veggies.  And, it's one of the only ways I can get a wide variety of veggies in the kids.  I've even found if I haven't had it in a few days, I begin to crave it.  It's an acquired taste, but it didn't take long. 

Here's a list of some of our regular produce that we like to put in.  I do have a juice recipe book, but I've gotten to where I know what combos taste good.  I always try to use more veggies than fruit, for the benefits, but the trick is learning what fruits will make the juice taste yummy.
carrots, celery, parsley, cucumber, beets, spinach, broccoli, ginger, apples, oranges, pears, kiwi, pineapple, cantaloupe, strawberries, blueberries.  *I do not use all of these in one setting, I usually take a combo of about 4 servings of  veggies and 2-3 servings of fruits.  It takes a lot of produce to get a little juice.

So, I encourage you, if you have a juicer, get it out and use it!  It's well worth the benefits.  It's not too often I create good habits, here's to hoping this one sticks.  Cheers!

white is beautiful

Ok, I'm trying to see the bright side so I'm only going to make positive comments in this post.  We have received an abundanty beautiful amount of snow in the last week. The pros that have been a result in our household? Time together, good food, comfy clothing, playing inside, crafts, movies, reading, and checking things off the to-do list.  Notice I purposefully left out one resounding quantative adjective before each action, bet you can guess what it is.  I don't have much more to say except that I am eagerly anticipating Spring and all things NEW.  Yeah for seasons!?!

oh, and I think it's safe to predict that our area will have a decent little baby boom in about 9 months...I'm just sayin'.